Hanif Kureishi to the Rescue! by Harold Pumiceous

On the 5th March 2099, three weeks before the ozonosphere suffocates the entire human race, citizens of the picturesque hamlet Buffock, East Woking will awake to a revolving UFO Pie – fourteen hectares in diameter and nineteen hectares in width – coming to land in meaty resplendence atop the Buffock Hills.

The pie, constructed from an impenetrable puff pastry from the Planet Ginsters (constructed as a marketing campaign in 2089) comes to rest on the main hill, where it looms over the hamlet, blocking out the sun and casting a shadow over Surrey. From its vulvate centre, reinforced with a tungsten ‘meat’ cover, a shutter opens and begins cannoning the townsfolk.

People flee their homes as flaming pies come blasting through their windows, igniting their front rooms, wounding their children and terrorising the vegetarians. These pie mortars, some of which are shaped more like dough balls, explode upon impact, splatting acidic pork meat from their floury cores, which blinds and intoxicates millions with its noxious pig rind extracts.

In a bakery, two miles out of town, pie expert Gary Loomis gets a phone call from the Prime Minister. It turns out that he is the only man who can save the nation from total pie annihilation through his unparalleled knowledge of every pie ever baked and how to devour a pie in under two bites.

Choppered into Buffock over the cover of darkness, Gary leaps onto the pie, where he slips on the pastry, falls into the centre and burns up like a meteorite in the sun. The pie takes off and advances on Shropshire. At this point, there is only one thing for it – the biggest mouth in the planet is called in to cool the surface.

At dusk, the writer Hanif Kureishi is jettisoned into the sky and suctions his way across the pie face, finding the vulvate opening and blowing a whole bellyful of hot air into the centre. The pie swoops through the purple night sky, sending Hanif flying into Suffolk Arts Centre. Crashing into the Pennines, the pie explodes over the north of England, killing 34,000 people.

Two weeks later, a day before the human race is obliterated through mass asphyxiation, the world unites in their respect for Hanif, who is awarded the keys to America, Russia and Europe, and later (by popular demand), the world.

Lord bless Hanif.

Copyright 2009

Author's Bio: Harold is an Edinburgh-based writing man. He nurses kumquats back to full health. If he disappeared, he would return a week later as a shop assistant in Poole (somewhere in England). Funnier bio information has been deleted at his request.